Surviving and Making Holidays Happier with 6 Tips and a Game

There’s a conflict of feelings when it comes to the holidays. On one side is excitement and anticipation to see loved ones and share a festive meal or experience together. The other side is nervous anticipation of what might happen that will set a guest off and disrupt the harmony. It could be a know-it-all cousin or the judgmental uncle who thinks he’s telling it like it is but in reality is offending invited guests.

With a diverse cast of characters assembling like a reunion episode of Real Housewives or an Agatha Christie murder mystery, the pressure is on to keep unexpected outbursts off the menu.

Unlike a dinner party or gathering to watch the favorite sports team play, there’s a societal requirement for hosts to invite a guest list comprised of the desired, the obligated and the holiday-orphaned.  In this mélange of guests, spanning generations, genders, sexual orientations, race and ethnicity, education, income level, religions, sports affiliations and political viewpoints, there is less homogeneity than the texture of lumpy mashed potatoes.

The possibility of a table-flipping, storm out of the house exchange inspires some hosts to impose “polite conversation” like the weather, work or entertainment. Today, even those safe topics are debatable like the impact of climate change or the merits of return to office policies. Even entertainment isn’t the old reliable it used to be with so few shared media experiences due to the fragmented worlds of streaming and social media.

So what do we do? Fake COVID to get out of going over? Claim flu or rabies? Leslie Jones, serving as guest host of The Daily Show shared this skit showcasing one approach… 

Skit from The Daily Show, November 2023 - what we really want to do when “those conversations” start during the holidays. (And please note, this is from The Daily Show so may not be comfortable viewing or appropriate for all ages, audiences, constitutions or political persuasions.)

The good news is that there is a way to navigate these moments without resorting to shouting someone down, tossing around furniture, hurting people’s feelings or faking the flu

Tip #1: Self-awareness is key

Pay attention to how thoughts are coming through and what the outcome might be if they are carried out.  It could be that you are going back to a reaction from childhood and need to overcome that now instinctive reaction. Or it could be a trigger from an adult situation. We all carry our own biases and stereotypes and past experience with these individuals can also have us coming from a place of judgment. Mindfulness of what’s happening in your head will help in selecting how to respond.

Tip #2: Take a “curious breath” 

The “curious breath” is another invaluable tool in any situation where we seek to formulate a response instead of merely reacting on impulse. When we are presented with stimulus – something we see, hear, touch or taste, for example – there is a tiny gap before we react. Go ahead and join me. Inhale. Feel the lungs expand and press against the ribs? Something like that is happening in your head at the same time. This is giving you the space to ponder - have the self-awareness to what’s coming up and contemplate what your next step is, which is hopefully to…

Tip #3: Respond rather than react

That curious breath creates room to turn things around and look at them from the other side. It’s in this space we can choose how to respond instead of merely react. It’s the reaction that is what often escalates the tension, whether its IRL or URL - a real conversation or a text, email or Slack. Taking a moment to compose a response instead of just reacting can mean the difference between a food feast and a food fight.

A quick thought on empathy…

An often-misunderstood E-word, empathy, is actually critical to surviving the holidays. Empathy is the understanding of another’s perspective or connecting with their feelings, as them. Don’t worry. Just because you see where someone is coming from doesn’t mean you agree with them. Empathy is foundational in successful communication, persuasion, collaboration and problem solving among many other skills. Awareness of the 5 Steps to Empathy, the actions to take in the moment to better understand another person, will help you pass the peas in peace.

My award-winning book, Tell Me More About That: Solving the Empathy Crisis One Conversation at a Time, provides a “compelling, moving and at times laugh-out-loud funny” deep dive into the 5 Steps using my own personal adventures and mis-adventures in trying to have empathy with strangers in my role as a qualitative market researcher.

Tip #4: Ask good questions 

If you want to be one of those people that asks what could be an insulting question of another guest, consider how you are phrasing the question if you want to get an honest answer rather than pissing someone off. People feel threatened when they are asked why using the word ‘why’.  This started in childhood when we first drew on the wall in marker and followed us to school and adult life. By rephrasing a question to use who, what, where, when or how, it’ll allow the other person to open up and share why with a more honest answer.

Tip #5: Tell me more about that

So here we are. You’ve asked the question, heard an answer and you may not be satisfied with it because it was superficial, dodged the question or wasn’t clear. A handy follow-up I always use is “tell me more about that…” This way you can get the other person sharing more and the honest, more nuanced answer lies in that second answer.

If you are on the receiving end and the questioner hasn’t followed my suggestion above, take a curious breath, acknowledge what you are hearing and ask a follow-up to clarify the question. Suggestions to try include: “I’m not following you, please tell me more about what you want to understand,” or “Could you clarify the question please?”

Tip #6: Integrate into understanding

Just because someone prefers oyster stuffing does not mean they are wrong. Integrate into understanding is all about making room in your mind that there are other ways to view the world. And that’s ok. Be curious and open to understand what the other person likes about it and it will create an opportunity to learn. This can be applied to a lot more than just stuffing vs dressing.

Use empathetic language to help the other person feel seen and heard. Phrases such as “I can see your point of view” or “I can imagine that felt...” to further the conversation and bring alignment for the people talking.

Don’t be afraid to ask for empathy for yourself. Use phrases like “I hope you can see where I’m coming from” to cue the other person that validation and acknowledgment of the other side is being called for.

Where does gratitude fit in?

Incorporate gratitude into your holiday conversations. Studies highlighted by the National Alliance on Mental Illness found that gratitude can reduce feelings of stress and improve physical and mental health.

Shall we play a game? How about Lifeology!

Lifeology is a game developed when I was CEO of Ignite 360. It uses (good) questions to start conversations, which makes it easier to develop empathy. Play it before, during or after dinner. Good for any holiday that you have people around that may or may not see eye to eye. Lifeology will help find common ground.

If you share any photos or video of the gameplay on social media, please tag me - @Empathy_Activist on IG and @EmpathyActivist on TikTok

Now, let’s pass the potatoes, defuse the conversations and may the only curious breathing be about how to fit in another slice of pie.