Being judgmental comes so easily, doesn’t it? I know it does for me. Don’t like what someone is wearing, what they said or the way they look - a snarky thought, look or even words will quickly come out.

Being judgmental is part of how we sort and organize into our community sub-groups. Also, being judgmental has a way of protecting us and making us feel better about ourselves by putting down others.

While it’s totally natural to be judgmental, if left unchecked, it can get out of hand and we will create barriers between us and others. I liken it to a brick wall that we can’t get past. The more judgmental we are, the more encompassing the brick wall until we find ourselves alone.

Dismantling judgment is the first of the 5 Steps to Empathy and it’s the hardest. We are hard wired to make judgments and being judgmental is an extension of our desire to make sense of the world. One way we do that is by sorting and organizing the people we come across so we understand who might be in our “tribe” or “bubble” or would have lived in a cave with us back in pre-historic times.

Those are the people we feel safest around and it’s usually because they are just like us.

But that’s not how the world works, is it? In today’s world I seem to bump into more people that are different than are similar. Because of technology, globalization, politics, social media and the overall shrinking of the world, people are exposed to differences much more than we used to be.

If you are talking with someone and find yourself being judgmental. Ask yourself where that is coming from. What are you being judgmental about? What is prompting the judgment to come out? How is it getting in your way of getting to empathy? And if you could, what would it be like to turn things around, dismantle the judgment and hold the person in positive regard. Don’t like their hair? Turn it around and imagine that maybe they like the way their hair looks and it makes them feel good. Same with an outfit.

If your judgment is around the content of what they are saying - “that’s stupid” or “you’re wrong/ill-informed” - take a curious breath and lean into your curiosity. Ask more questions to understand where they are coming from and what’s forming that opinion. Then you’ll be able to better utilize the information with your solution imagination (Step 5) to reach a positive outcome.

Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection. You can be empathetic and still be judgey. It’s just usually hard to do at the same time.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes!