Tips for Being Great at Giving and Receiving Gifts

“Think of a great gift you received. What was it? Who gave it to you? What made it special?”

How would you answer? 

My colleague, Claire Farber, introduced me to this exercise during an Empathy Camp training we held for a sales team at a large food company. The participants shared stories of receiving meaningful jewelry, clothing or a service that was just the right thing that they needed.  “They got me,” was commonly heard.

Contrast those answers with the replies to our follow-up: “Think of a disappointing gift you received”.  The “bad” gifts were described as irrelevant, “more for them not me” and lacking thought and consideration for who the recipient was and their interests.

We’ve all received great gifts and gifts that are a let-down. The one I wrote about in the opening chapter of my book was a green sweater I received from a relative when I was about 12. It was a nice sweater, a great green color, but it was wool and itchy, and I was 12. I wanted anything to do with superheroes or airplanes. Not clothes. I’m sure word got to the relative that I could use some clothes, but was a green sweater what I really wanted? No. I tucked the sweater away in a drawer under other items and maybe wore it once or twice before it left my possession to be donated with other ill-fitting garments.

Is there a green sweater lurking under your tree? Christmas 1984 in Indiana (I was 16)

In other words, there was a missed opportunity to use some cognitive empathy – understanding someone else’s POV (mine) – in the selection of the gift. To save everyone from the fate of giving or receiving a green sweater, here are some tips I’ve learned over the years:

Tip #1: Step into their shoes, as them

Avoid buying something that you would like to receive. Get something they’d like. Consider what you know about the person. Interests, hobbies, passions. Even if it’s a gift card, line it up to a store or activity they like.

Tip #2: Not everyone drinks coffee

Gift buying gets harder with people outside your inner circle, like teachers, hairdressers, caregivers or service providers.  Again, see what you can find out about the person. A teacher’s aide recently told me that while she appreciates the mountain of Starbucks gift cards she receives each year, she doesn’t drink coffee. For her, a Target gift card is more appreciated and better utilized.

Tip #3: Turn it into an experience

People long for connection and studies have found it can actually improve physical and mental as well as emotional health. Instead of giving a gift card to a retailer, how about turning it into an outing where you go shopping together?  Maybe buy them a beverage or meal out so you have some time to talk and bond beyond the shopping.  Even if it’s an online store – maybe they can take you shopping virtually or have a listening party with the music they bought with the iTunes gift card.  Get creative, get involved, make it more than an item in a wrapped box.

Tip #4: Time is the Most Valuable Gift

Sure, who wouldn’t like to give or receive a new car or shiny tech gadget, but time is ultimately most valuable. How about time spent together doing a shared hobby, volunteering at a charity together or setting up quarterly dinners where you cook for them?

Tip #5: You Don’t Have to Spend a Fortune

Lean into your knowledge of the recipient and surprise them with a childhood favorite or a memento box reflecting your relationship. “Mix tapes” were always a favorite and Spotify is even offering variations on that classic gift. Create a scrapbook or album, offer to cook for them or bake them that family specialty.

And to make sure you receive a great gift, here are some tips:

Tip #1: Make Your Wants and Needs Known

Nothing is more frustrating than trying to get gift suggestions. Provide a list of options; 2-3 at least, consider different price ranges and if you decide to ask for donations in lieu of gifts, share the organizations and causes important to you. Another holiday bummer is having someone donate to a cause that isn’t close to you

Tip #2: Be a Gracious Recipient

I once spent Christmas at a house where someone didn’t like a gift and not only announced it to the whole room but went around showing it to everyone to try to get them to individually agree. And the gift giver was in the room! Honestly, I’m still scarred from that experience.  Don’t be that person. Instead, thank the gift giver, at least they thought to give you a gift. If it’s not your size or taste or you already have one, try sharing that privately so you can develop a plan on what to do about it, together. Perhaps you can turn it into an experience described above where you go together to swap it out and get something else.

Tip #3: Send a Thank You!

I don’t do this nearly as much as I’d like however thank you notes make a huge impression. A short, handwritten note, 2-3 sentences is all that’s required.

It might keep you on the “nice” list for next year, as well.

Let us know how it goes. Share photos on Instagram of your holiday gifting and don’t forget to tag @goodthingsutah and @empathy_activist

And while we’re at it, download the holiday Lifeology game to help mitigate those cringey conversations at the dinner table!

Happy Holidays!